rants, writing, whatever !!

this will not be organised at all ahsdhaljsdla, its just me talking about stuff. i might upload writing from school once im done with that also, but i think ill make a separate page for taht stuff. like this page is just wahtever words are in my head going down, but things that are planned and worked on or significant will go elsewhere. tahts also why this is just a wall of text, its not really meant fro consumption but if you want you can read it. maybe itll remind you of things youve felt or thought about, mayeb itsll make me seen strange eiher way i dnot mind blehhhh

dd/mm/yyyy format

16/04/2024
closeness
i think its kind of nice when people tkae their anger out on me, like theres a certain closeness to it,, like you wouldnt spill your guts like that to someone whos just an acquaintance, so to let me see such intense emotions from you must mean we are close,, but why not just tell me about whats bothering you then ? why specifically take anger out on me ? well, if youre just telling me about whats wrong, youre filtering it, wording it in a certain way, maybe tlaking about it after youve calmed down, but if youre directely tkaing uour anger out on me, thats your emotinos in the rawest form, the truest form. not thought through, without concern for how it comes off or how ill feel,, just the most honest form they can be,, like getting to see someones inner most thoughts exactly as they come out of their head,, what an honour to get to hear that. i also like it because if its done by a person i think i get on well with, that means that they have trsut that ill be fine iwth it, that ill understand and not give them shit for acting like that,, like the trsut that must be between us for them to feel they can behvae like that wihtout consequence,, you woudlnt do that iwth someone you dont know very well, you dont nkow how theyd respond, you arent close enough for telling someone things liek that to be ok, os if someone is taking their anger out on me they must have such trsut in our bond,, getting to haer their thoughts in their most personal form ahjkshdjsafk,, to trsut me with such sensitive informaotin, and to belive in me and my forgivenesss i must be so close with someone and they must love me so much,, like sure, being screamed at and called names and having horrible things said to me in itself isnt pleasent, but in context, its a representation of our bond and closeness,, such strong emotions, all for me,,,, if we hit one gazillino likes on this video i will will mysefl breaking into a wedding and replacing the officiator s oplease remeber to subscribe

(14/04/2024)
getting injuerd ??? and hurt ? ????
i dont think i really know how to put what i want to say down, especailly without it soundsing edgy as all shit, but i dont think me getting physically injured is a very beig deal,, like, the idea of getting hurtted is scary ofc, but after looking at it and breaking it down to each part, i feel like its fine,, first theres the inital pain. and i get taht "pain= bad" but i dont really feel that way personally,, its not really a bad feeling for me, and just a strong one, kind of neutral,, then theres the aftermath of the injury. if the injury is big, then this can lead to permanent damage of the body. i think scars are no big deal at all, theyre just kind ofneutral no matter waht theyre form,, and any other damagae i feel is fine too,, like, i guess it would suck if i lost my arms or smthing and wasnt able ot draw and type and play games anymore, but other body parts i dont really need i feel, like my legs maybe,, i dont do sports or anything else particularily physically demanding, so loosing a leg would be fine for mw i think,, i know it would make life harder but i dont think i do enough leg-related things for it to really matter,, my body isnt holy nor sacred, so the actual fact atht id have lost a part of it isnt really that big of a deal either,, like ok, i could lost a leg and had to remplaced like an artificial one, i fthink thered be no peoblems. i really only ever walk arounf, and i imagine an artificial leg would allow me to walk around, so i wouldnt be missingout on naything i usually do because of it, and i just dont really think that me loosing a part of my body would be taht big of a deal,, it isnt sacred and doesnt need to be perserved. rmember to check out todays sponsor and use code pen fifteen to get 15 percwnet off of your next bionic leg purchase

(30/03/2024)
my death and my online presense
i oftne think about what will happen with this, this website, my social media accounts, my presence online and specifically as noctlas332, when i die. like if i died tomorrow or another recent time, what would happen ? i dont post that often, and can go for weeks or even months without posting and things,, even if i maybe update this site a little more often i dont think anyone is actually like, actively kepeing an eye on it, and even still i can go for a long time without coming on here too,, so for one i think itd take a while for my being gone to actually set in. i dont think very many people would notice im gone either, maybe some mutuals would ? or people who know me for very specific art and come check in to see oftn ? but i dont think most poeple would even notice,, my online friends might, but i am pretty bad with responding to dms, and can easily go like a week without saying shit to fuck (im very sorry about tht its the demons), so even with them i think itd be a bit mcuh to expect them to notice,, ive also taken breaks from being online, for long periods of time, spontanously, or even without announcing it,, i also have a lot of different accounts and names online, and i sometimes just dedicate more time to diferent ones at diffrent times,, so i think both of those things could also contribute to no one really taking notice of my absence. i have had friends reach out to me over being offline before, but ive goten worse at being online consistently since then, so agaun again, i think my being offline for a while wont raise eyebrows,, and i feel like by the time it might itd be so long no one would care or bother with me at that point ? like theyd notice im actually gone for a while ages after my dissapearing, and by then its like "oh what even happened to that person ??" more than like "i wonder where my friend went hope theyre ok" yk,, my firends are all nice and wonderful and i dont want to make it sound like if theyre not, this is just because of my poor responding and poor keeping in touch with people,, but if anyone did actually notice me being gone, because of my poor communication and mass number of accounts i worry that someone m ight think i judt sont want to talk to them or like im ignoring them or i forgot about them or something else, i would feel really bad if someon e was upset like that because im offline because im dead, like they think im ignoring them and they forever think i dont like them and dont want to be their friend or soemthing ? but im actually just dead ?? i feel like it sound really selfcentered to imply someone would be that upset over me not messaging them and not being online, but like if someone somewhere somehow wasnt compeltely uninterested in what happened to me i would feel really bad,, i wish there was a way for me to tell everyone im dead from beyond the grave just so yous would know im not ignoring yous on pupose but im not sure thats possible,, i also have no irls that could go on my accounts or even just post about my passing or anything, as i dont have any of them added online,, like ifi died no one online would know im dead and not just nrsing and if someone was maybe even just slightly negatively affected by that i would feel really bad,, so !!!!! if i ever disapear for ages and ages without a word compeltely assume i have died please, i dont mean to ignore anyone on purpose please forgive me,, if i was to leave my accounts behind id like to think id say something about it,, i know i have accounts im ignoring atm but i will be getting back to them (well unless i die i suppose),, but yea i was just thinking about what would happen to my online self if i died, and how much it would suck if everyone thought i was just being really rude to them,, like i know im bad at responding to poeple as is but ifi diead id be even worse at respiding im so sorryyyy,, eujgjjj again though i do also feel really egoistical suggsting my being gone would be so worrisome for anyone, like i really am no one to most poeple i know, and i dont mean to sound edgy or self depricating, but its just like a fact taht for most peole in my life i just "know them", im not close friends with them or friends at all, im just a person they know, just someone to talk to sometimes, so me being offline for ages wouldnt matter to them (in school too as my attendance is poor but people in school would definitely find out if i died so im not talking about that right now),, but yea just, i feel bad implying anyone would care if i was gone, and i would feel like if people thought i was igorning them when i am gone,, whatever happy annvierysary to the younf couple and i hope your gender revlea party opens up a sinkhole goodbye

(28/03/2024)
its so hard for me to leave my house
i cant drive and i dont plan to, im fine walking or getting the bus and driving sounds very stressful and difficult and expensive and i do not want to do it, but i dont think driving ouwld help as the problem still remains. the street i currently live on is basically right outsie a roundabout which connects like 4 different roads, all straight and long (allowing for high speeds), and they have a lot of lanes too, and people dont drive very carefully here, and if i want to go literally anywhere i need to cross the street at this roundabout, often multiple times, and i hate it so much. its so scary, i nearly got hit just the other day, the car had to go on the other lane to not run me over because they were drving so fast that even though i went on the road when they werent even on the roundabout, they went around it and nearly hit me when i was like halfway across,, it hoenstly shooke me up a littl ei didnt like it,, ok and even if i was to walk along the footpath instead of crossing there is literally a round about at the end of each of the roasd this one near my house conects to, and the footpath jsut ends on half of them too, so i cant walk every far anyway,, it just sucks so bad, i hate corssing there,, theres obviously no lights or anything and everyone is seemingluy on their way to the hospital with a husband going into labour so they all drive so fast. my last house was beside just a little road on which peole didnt often drive fast, anf it was curvy so they couldnt so fast if they wanted to very well anyway,, point is it was a lot better to leave that thouse, and to walk, it wasnt like, blocked off with scary roads, it just had regular road,, so i think i leave my house less, even just for myself, beucase i need to get through the awful roundabout roads, both mentall y and physically and it just sucks i hate ti i hope people set off bombs on this road and blow it up so cars cant drive along it anymore just for me. memento mori evryone

(27/03/2024)
my attention spam is goneing into the shits ??
(omg its been a while since i lsat wrote on this page ?? i have a lot of things to say and no time but whatevre, ill just talk about whatevr else that actually has nothing to do witha nything and is not the thing ive been meaning to write about)(and also is taking me away from drawing (im not even drawing the anniversary piece ooopsyy))
im really worried i have tiktok family guy funny moment slime soap cutting cubway surfers gameplay brain disorder,,, anytime im doing something on my compute i have like a video playing in the background, usually one of those awfully long ones made by thoes pretentious youtuber people and i just listen to them,, i would listen to music but i only like listening to vocal synth music reaslly, and tath always ends up consuming my attention in its enitrety, so i listen to videoas instead,, an di just feel like this is exactly the same as those tiktoks that are cuts into halves and then qiarters with subtitles in 2 languages,, like im doing the same thing, i have awful attention span,, even as i write this i have things playing in the bg. moja mama does the same thing actully its really funny,, she scrollls pinterst and plays card games on her phone while watching a show or movie in like that video in video thing, where the video just floast freely around the screen, literally minecraft parkour reddit tts aita video with autogenerated mr beast style subtitles. anyway though, when i listen to soemthing in the background its not really because i idk, i dont know actually, i couldnt tell you why people watch vieso like that, its not really like they have a choie on the tok of the tik anyway,, ill just say like how my attention spam is in the gutter. i actually mgiht have talked about this before but i cannt rember,, so like when i dont have something playing in the bacground, i get distracted more because theres like space for my brain to go in directions, like i usually am drawing or writing or typinf, and none of thse activites require audio, so when i do them my sense of hearing is left unocupied, and this like, free space is how i get distracted,, like that means theres room for my brain to go off and start thinking about like idk adachi rei, like there is an open chanel, a passageway for distractions to get in. like if im drawing for example, my hands and so my touch is occupied, my eyes and so my sight is occupied, (smell and taste dont really matter but im always tasting metal), but this means that my ears and hearing are unocupied, and are open to things cominh in and distracting me,, like i need my brain to be bombarded with stimulation from every side and every sense or else ill find room to get distrated. when im watching somethin gi m always fidgeting too,,
another thing is that i have a lot of videos saved as things i am interested in watching and that i want to see, but just sitting there and watching them feels like a husge waste of time, like i always have things i could be doing and not doing those things and watching a videio instead feels like sych a waste of time, like i feel guilty not actively producing or creating something and just watching soemthing, which is also why i unfortunately dont get to watch much anime, as im a sub watcher (my taste is too underground there are no dubs),, so yes it just feels like in the gb is the only way for me to watch/ listen to videos, as giving them my full attention feels like a waste of time,, this is also kind of why i dont odten listen to msuic while i do things like drawing instead, since my hearing isnt occupied i have an opportiunity to like "get through" some of the videos i have savbed, like im multitaksing getting through videso WHILE making smthing yk,, i feel like those are jsut excuses though, its still tiktok 3 second shien product bidding live stream brain diesseas. rememrbe ti check out the links in teh descrptiiotn to get 332% off your first purchas with hellospaceledgends vpn

(10/12/2023)
mirror pronouns and they them
on some of my profiles and pages i have written that i use any pronouns, though all the most recently updated ones should say i actually use mirror pronouns. for those who dont know, that mean that you use your own pronouns for me, like if you use he/ they, use he/ they on me, if you use xe/ it, use xe/ it on me. im still completely fine with any pronouns, but i prefer specifically using mirrored ones as it kind of taes the gendering off of me and means i get more pronouns used on me. previously, if i told someone i use any, one of 3 things would happen: they only use they/ them on me, which isnt bad but i prefer a variety, my pronouns are not they/ them so only being refered to with those feels a bit weird, like i get theyre scared of using the "wrong" ones but its ok,, slightly different but im still counting it as oneis, some people will only use they/ themon me but then slip up and accidentally let a [agab pronoun] out, and then fucking go "oh sorry i meant the- oh wait, you dont mind", like no, no actually, any pronouns doesnt mean "they/ them but if you slip up and let it show you think of me as [agab] its ok"; another thing thatd happen is people seeing me and being like "oh youre clearly originally [agab] so ill just use [pronouns associated with agab]!!" (agab means gender assigned at birth btw, its birth sex), which again isnt wrong, im fine with the pronouns, but i hate been seen as me agab just, and again having only one set of pronouns used, i get [agab pronouns]ed enough from epople im not out to as is, and again hell i just hate people trying so so hard to figure my agab out, especailly when this includes things like them staring at my chest or legs to try figure out if i hate curves like please go away oh my fucknig god, it just sucks so bad fucking "its not technically wrong, so i can just call you [agab pronouns]" like omfg stop trying ot find a loop hole in my pronouns to misgender me what the fuck, i didnt know it was possible to misgender someone who uses any pronouns but you have found a way fuck, maybe if youre trying to find an exucse in my pronouns to explain why youre acting likee that theres an issue maybe, looking at the fine print and going "erm technically" like if youre trying to outsmart me on my own pronouns what are you doing; a third thing that might happen is someone tries to figure out my agab, gets it wrong, and only uses [agab pronouns] because they assume thta i get called [opposite of agab pronouns] a lot and want to use ones i dont get much, and this is a good thing !! great way to think !!! however !!!!!!!! please do not assume agab, but also dont assume how much people get rponouns used on them ? like, if you know someone uses multiple sets of pronouns, and notice one getting hardly any use, its a nice thing to refer to them with those pronouns ! absolutely !! but if youre just guessing somenoes agab and then basing your assumption on how much they get called any pronouns on that, i would say stop that, so even though i said this is a good thing i just meant its a good way to think about it like its good to use pronouns that someone doesnt get much, but its not good that youre assuming agab and then guessing how much pronouns are getting used based off of that grr.. and these are the only 3 things ive ever had happen to me with my pronouns, espcially irl: they them slahs they them but if "misgendered" its fine, agab pronouns because teehee loophole, or agab pronouns because assumed agab wrong and trying ot be good. ive never had someone just use any pronouns on me normally, or at least i havent ever seen it happen. however, if you are a smart cookie you might have noticed that a lot of these issues come from people assuming my agab and then basing their use of rponouns for me off of that, but that doesn thappen with mirror pronouns !! no more people trying to figure out what im hiding, as the gendering is placed on them rather than on me ! im fine iwht any still, so no matter what they use im ok with it, just now its not based on my agab ! i do not mind my agab pronouns being used on me of its not because someones trying to figure out my agab itself, like the pronouns themself where never the issue just the way peoplere trying to gender me. but erm yea, with mirror pronouns i get a larger variety used on me and i stop getting gendered. slightly unrelated, but i dont htink im going to have to write as much for what i want to say about they them pronouns, so im just kind of lumping it all together. if you know somones pronouns, and those arent they/ them, using they/ them on that person without reason is misgendering !! like i egt if theres a situation in which you cant use that persons pronouns, or if they asked you to use those aorund whoever for whatever reason, i dont know everyones situations so im not saying its always wrong. im saying htat if you literally could just use someones actaul pronouns, but use they/ them anyway, you are misgendering them. "oh but they/ them is neutral" ok ?? just because it isnt associated with masculinity nor femininity doesnt mean you can just use them for everyoen. fucking "oh you use he/ him prpnpins ? ah, nonono, you use he/ they !! silly you, doesnt even realise you use they as well. whats that ? you dont use they/ them at all ? only he / him ? no !! they/ them is neutral !!! you use they !!!!!!" like, you cant assign people more pronouns on top of their own omg,, ive never seen anyone be like "oh i can use xe/ xim on you because its neutral", so the same should apply to they/ them, you cant just use they on anyone, even if it isnt masc nor fem please,, i had a friend who claimed he "uses they/ them on everyone just, because its neutral !!" and i had other friends agree like "yea lol fair !!!!" and no, not only should you not do taht, but also he didnt use it on everyone ! only his trans friends !! the cis girls got she/ hered (even though some of them used the liked of she/ they or she/ it), the cis boys got he/ himed, but all of the trans people got they/ themed without expetion. he literally said he could not be bothered learning everyone pronouns like no one even used some kind of difficult to understand neos or anything, it was all just variations of he she they and it. fucking "you use he/ it ? lol i cant be bothrtrf rememnering that so im just using them for you" this has just turned into me going off about some guy i dont like but just take it as an anecdote like some real world example of this kind of shit ok i love you sleep well

(07/12/2023)
why i post on so many sites
tumblr, spayhey, intagram, mastodon, pixiv, reddit, tiktok occassionally, twt, deviant art, niconico, artstreet, newground, neocities, and sometimes yt, soundcloud, and bandcamp too. that is a lot of websites and things, and i am well aware of that, however i kind of need it to be a lot. instead of being worried about the algorythm or statists on one of them, or even a handful, i post on so many that none of them in particular mean anything to me, and especailly not the social media ones. like i know some people who post daily on their platform or platforms of choice so that they dont get "shadwobanned" or so that the "algoryth doesnt suppress my posts" and i dont have to worry about any of that. instragm wants me to post daily ? dont care ! tiktok wants videos with stickers ? too bad !! twt wants frequent, multuple times a day, posts ? i dont give a shit ! does it take me a while to post on them all because of this ? yes it certainly does, but its ok because i dont mind., i know i would get caught up in trying to post whatever the algorythm wants if i posted on less sites, so i post on so many that all the numbers have lost meaning. instead of trying to get a lot of followers on one i can get a little on all of them and add them all yippeeee slahs jay. im also just not really conserned with how well my posts do at all kind of ? one time i shared some of my art in a discord server, and someone said they seen it on da earlier, and it meant more to me than anything else in the world. every nice comment i get, every interaction like that, every thing that actaully comes from a human like that, means so so much to me. i would genuinely much rather just have a few people who recognise my art and me and comment at me, than i would 1000s of poeple who just like my posts. i know that sounds relaly like "i want people to REALLY love my art and stuff and to recognisemy name and things, im not satisfied with just likes !!!!" but i dont mean it like that, i just love tht human interaction its so good for me. butyea i post on every site ever so that its just impossible for me to get invested in likes and followers also i hate the new discord layout please like and share and copy link and share on story and retweet and subscribe

(29/11/2023)
i hate how difficult tiktok is to close
i watched some yt video a wee while ago about slot machines and gambling, and the thing i remember the most from it is that peole with an addiction to playing slot mahcines dont like winning, as it breaks the "rhythm". it stops the repeated pressing of the button, the music playing, the slot video spinning. and this might be a weird c ompariosn but it kind of reminds me of tiktok. obvoisuly gambling addiciton is very serious and im not saying people getting themselves into debt like that is the same as scrolling videos, but i mean the breaking of the rhythem. when you open yt, you are presented with videos you can choose to watch. when you open twt, you are presented with posts to read. when you open ig, you are presented with slides to swipe thourgh. when you open tiktok a video is playing. i think tiktok (and well other short form content like that too but im only focuingon tikotok) is the only app taht starts content as soon as you open it. on yt you need to pick a video, on twt youneed to start reading, on ig you need to swipe. you actively have to begin engaging with the content. but on tiktok, it starts by itself. onec eyou open the app, there is no way to close it without cutting a video short, or breaking the rhythm. even if you wait until a video is over, it just starts plaing again. you have to cut off the vdeio to close the app. and since theyre so short, it doesnt seem worth it. you might have no problem clsoing a yt and coming back to it later, because theres more than 5 seconds of new content watingin on you when you return, but on tiktok, the video is so short it doesnt make sense to come back to an unfinished video. as such, peoplell just ifnish them. but once the video is done, it either starts to play over again, or you get to watch the next one. i think tiktok even has like an autoscroll mode now ?? like you dont even have to scroll yourself, the next video will just start playing automatically. other apps gives you almost like a choice in closing them. when you are doing looking at an ig post, watching a video, reading a tweet, there is a break. there is a moment without content, without new posts, without another thing to get invested in seeing thorugh to the end. a tweet wont start getting re-read, a yt video wont loop, an ig post wont jump back to the first slide (however ik ig does like automatically go through slides now and i just grrrrrr). but tiktok is the only app on whihc you have to actively interupt the content to close it. you have to break the rhythm. you have to decide to cut off those little dopamine hits you get from going from one video to the next. there are no pauses on tiktok naturally. you can look at a profile, go to search, message smone, but even then you are still like one swipe away from being back on the video page. spending a couple minutes on tiktok because youre waiting on smthing can really easily turn into even hours, as one really short video plays into the next, then into another one after taht. in conculusion i fucing hate tiktok i hate that app i want it gone like genuinely if you use it go add your friends or mutuals on other apps so yous can connect outside of the tik of the tok and slowely move away from that hell hole because it is bad. remember to retweet this post because if it get to one million likes and 2 million retweets i will draw this fictionsl charaer getting nakesd

(16/11/2023)
actually ive been thinking about it amf how do i class friendship either
when does it stop being someone im on friendly terms with, and start actually being a friend. i used to think friends are just the poeple whom youre in a "friend group" with, but i had someone tell me if i dont like someone we're not really friends and then someone from outside my group tell me that they care about me because we arr friends and my whole idea of what a friend is kind of fell apart. how can you just ask someone to be your friend. is the word friend really so meangingless, you can just pick and choose who it is without any emotion attatched to it ? i thought people are always talking about how important friends are and about how they love them and carea baout them, how is that the case for someone who you just "hej want to be friends"ed ? could i give a number of howmany friends i have ? no i could not, i coulnt tell you who i actually think of as a friend, ans who thinks of me as one. i dont give it very much thoguht though, i dont really csare about who is "a afriend" and who isnt. sure its nice to hear that someone is my friend, friends are nice to have, buti dont think the word friend itself holds that much weight, especially when you can just call anyone that. i et so surprised anytime a new person calls me their friend, like wow i didnt know we were frends thats so cool actually like we are eher for eachother maybe ? enjoy eachotyhers company perhaps ? so weird, but so nice. i honestly and truely do not belive people a lot fo the time when they tell me that though. i also do not belive them when they say they love and care about me, but i htink i brought this onto myself. i know i pretend to like people just for the sake of keeping peace, i know i lie, i know im not honest, and so i assume ebveryone else acts the same. there is no way anyone relaly cares about me, they have no reason to and i have no proof they do. this sint to say taht everyoneis mean and neglectful of me, the people i know alwyas go so far so above and so beyond to be nice to me and to help me, but i can enver beleive its sincere. ofc please dont have to love me back, they dont have to truely care about me, doing the right thing is more important than feeling the right things id say, but its a very isolating thing, its lonely, to know everyone is always lying. it selfish to expect love, to epect someone to feel so strongly and so nicely towards me, to want to put so much effort into building a connection with me, so i feel really bad writing this. this also isnt to discredit the people im currently friends with or that i know, i just ahve a hard tim ebeliveing poeple i guess. i dont bekieve anyone can actually reall ylike me. this is definitely just me being edgy teenager, but im not going to invalidate my feelings over my age, ill just write them down to cringe at later. but erm yea i got off topic, when does just nice end and friend begin who knows, not me, but i also do not care, but also im sure no one really actually wants to be my friend, but also tahts not to say the people in my life are mean, its just to say im edgy and i am miserable. remember to share other copy link cancle for me to become your real bee eff eff

(15/11/2023)
how do i class love
ive been thinking a little bit recently about how i personally would differenciate bewtween people i love, and those whom i dont. i think i love someome when i am happy they exist, i am glad they are here, i like talking to them. i love soemone when i take time and am patient with them, when i stay with them, when i want to help them, when i dont abandon them. i think i love someone when i miss them when theyre gone, when i want to be near them, when i wish i could spend more time with them. i think i love someone when i care about them. i use love and care synonymously basically. i have one type of love, just love, with no difference between familial, platonic, romantic, or any other type. to me, to love is to care, and to care is to love. maybe im just aro(i am) and love my friends and familiy both platonically or both familialy. i feel like i use the word love very librally though, like i throw it around a lot. i dont tell people i love them really ever really though, and when told such i think i respond with ok or smthing along those lines, i just think that i am very quick to label my feeling towards someone as love, just because i enjoy talking to them. this doesnt mean my relatoinships with people never get any deeper than just having fun talking with someone wothough, i just mean thta what soemone esle might just see as liking someone, i call love. i either love someone or dont, its very black and white for me. i dont really ahve an inbetween of just liking someone, or tolerating them, i either love someone or i do not care about htem. i might say that i hate a couple people, but thats just me actively chosing to not spend time with them because id rather do smthing else. i dont feel like a deep emotional hatred for anyone id say. yea i just think i might think i love people a lot more than i should, and becaues of how love is protreyed as being so important so sacred so holy and such an end-goal in life, it feels kind of awful. so much love to give, so little of it really matters though. i think that i love also too heavily. like when i do love someone, i love them a lot and a lot. the positive feelings that could have been spread over liking a bunch of different peole get squished into loving just a few, making that love more heavy i think. a lot of love to give but hardly to anyone. also i ave to say, that while i feel i call shallower feelings love, i wouldnt say i love very many people. like sure i am conserned and worried about a lot, but to say i love them ? sure i want them to be well, but do i miss them when theyre not around ? do i want to spend as much time as i can with them ? wpould i say i love someone for whom i dont ache ? i might like tlaking to someone, but do i want to do that more than i already do ? i have people in my life, i have friends, i have people i feel concern for, but to actually say i love them seems rare for me. i call whatever love, but i love hardly anyone ? yea, i guess so. i love whoever heavily, and then theres none left for other peole, they can jsut get a little bit of my mind i guess. i kind of sounds awful to say, its not like i dont give a shit at all about people i dont love, i just arent very interested ? very willing to go out of my way for them ? i feel as though i dont feel the right things a lot of the time, like i do things because im suppoed to or expected to, rather than because i care about someone. i care about hardly anyone, but wheomever i do, i care about a lot, and i love a lot, and i call it love even if its jsut a more regualr less meaningful thing, but its actually so so meaningful to me anyway and the very fact i chose to call it love and give it that weight and take on that pressure gives it meaning maybe. small area of love, but a high mass, a large pressure but a small surface area. and i love whoever for whatever. i feel like maybe acccepting i love somone open flood gates. now that they are a someone i love i can love them al li want. i think i come off as too much because of that. too pushy, too hard to deal with, just kind of awful. i always mean to show my love genuinely but i feel like it doesnt comoe off that way. i just have a lot of love to give, and tend to give it. jsut to not many people. i dont mean to say i am heartless and cold towards those i dont feel anything towards, i have manners and act nice where applicable, but i only really care anf love and would do anything for a few people. i think my love is very all or nohting just. again very black and white. if i love someone i do any and everything i can for them, if i dont i just go as far as i see necesarry. i think it should be more spread out, but it is how it is. i love too much and too little. i love so few but so heavily. i cant tell kinds of love from one another and so call whatever nice feelings love. i think really m issing somene is a big part of who i love. i feel like if i dont miss someone and i dont feel a yearning for them to return i cant really call tath love maybe. how each person defines love and decides what thye should call their feelings is up to them though, so si can call whatverev i want love, and i can love as much as i want to also maybe. also also is this aimed no but is it prompted by something yes if youre reading this, which i have literally no idea why you would be but still, tis isnt me going off about you or at you, its just that that propmted me to kind of think about this and other tings and i jsut wanted to kind of try put it down in words. this isnt me talking about you specifically, i just wanted to think a little, and since i love you i guess you are kind of involved in these thoughts, but theyre arent specifically about you, and im not going at you or trying to explain anything. this is just me personally thinkging ok bye

(04/11/2023)
blindness, the fourth dimensionc and nothingness
i remember one time in school, when i was in yr10 so like, 14yo, a few people in my class were arguing over what completely blind poeple see. one side argued that blind poeple just see "nothing", while the other said they see "complete darkness". as far as im aware, completely blind people do just not see; they see nothing, and so thats the side i was on. the classmates who argued it was darkness though, had a really hard time understandnig how someone can see "nothing". like "whats in front of their eyes then ?" "like, they still have eyes" "what does, their brain proccess as being in front of their face ?". the thing is you cant imagine nothingness. i think thats were the dificulty came from. you cant picture in your mind what its like to see nohting, and darkness looks like the absence of anything, so i understand where the idea of it being that would come from. sight is just a vital part of everyday life for people with it. we rely so heavily on it. i imagine most poeple would be willing to give up most any of their other senses before giving up on sight. if you were to take a recognisable image, and replace a large portion of it with random bs, im sure people would be able to recognise it based off of the small unaltered parts. but sounds, i imagine, would be muc harder. like if you were to distort an image by the same percentage as you distort a piece of audio, i feel like the image would be much easier to recognise. an image, you can also see all at once, even if its a large image and you need to have your head or eyes, its all there, no waiting, unlike with a sound. you can also see thing from far away. sight is a very comfortaing thing, a thingy we our whole lives revolve around. so since nothingness is unimaginable, and sight is so so big for people with it, i can see (haha) why my classmates counldnt understnad taht completely blind poeple dont see anything, as opposed to them having darkenss instead of vision. you just cannot imagine not seeing, so you need to fill it in with what seems like a void. in this way, i think the fourth dimension, or the idea of it ??, is quite similar. you cannot imagine the fourth dimension. there is no way to look at it nor picture it. no way to feel or touch it. no way for 3 dimensional beings to experience it. just like you have to stop trying to picture nothingness to understand what it looks like, you also cant try to imagine the fourth dimention to understand it. you have to think about how 2d to 3d works, and just apply those same ideas to 3d to 4d. i imagine if that same class of poeple had a discussion on 4d, the sides of who "gets it" and who doesnt would be the same for with the blindness and nothingness thing. i feel like its very difficult to really say you "understand" the fourth dimension. its a lot of mathmatical things sure, but also its so hard to picture something without being able to imagine it, since sight is such a huge thing. i defineitly dont get it, but like i can imagine what a 4d object passing throuhg our 3d world would look like. i can say that in the same way as a 3d being can see everything in a 2d world at once, even 2d suprises hidden in their 2d boxes, a 4d being could see everything in a 3d world. i cant image what it looks like though, i cant imagine where this being is able to look, what direction theyre in, or anything. i wonder if maybe blind poeple would have an easier time thinking in an outside the box way about the 4th dimesion because of this. i dont know how id explain 4d without using images though, as im too used to seeing, but i feel that if someone could mayeb they should. itsnot like this would have any use, we as 3d being cannot even see the 4th dimension, but maybe itll like let the blind poele transend into godhood or smthing idk let them have that i feel. even completely blind poele will still think about things in a very 3dimensional way though, as they will for example feel things through touch, but i think that the lack of sight might still provide some leverage in thinking about 4d more clearly.

(29/10/2023)
not killing poeple
since ive been around 12yo, every couple of years i would really regret not killing anyone. it could have been 11yo now that i think about it, bu whatever. at that age, i was told that the police could come get me now and that i would get arresseted if i broke the law, and that i was all grown up now and that i should be careful with what i do. upon finding this out i got really upset taht i cant kill anyone without getting into huge trouble. slightlt unrelated but one time when i was way younger, my parents were repainting the corridor upstairs, and i wanted to put paint on the wall just because its fun. theyd already finished part of it but left the paint out, so i took it and smeared a bit on the wall. i remember that when my father discovered part of the wall was wet with paint he was quite angry and upset, perhaps evene blaming my mother for it, but i cant remember exactly. thats not the point though. the point is i said it was me and started crying and said that "i just wanted to help", which was a lie i just wanted to smear paint on the wall. i knew full well i wasnt helping by unevenly putting paint on a already painted wall. but my parents believed me ? sure i appreciate not getting into trouble but i was really surprised. i remember being shocked and thinking "hell im not that young, am i ? that its beleivable id do that ?". thats kind of why i brong this up though. i felt as though i could have gotten away with more when i was younger. like its believeable im not developed enough to understanf what im doing. i have no idea how old i was at the time, nor if my parents were maybe pretending or not, and i know all children think they are so much more mature than they really are, but tahts not the point. and so, when i found out im at crime age i felt awful about never killing anyone in the time i could have gotten less punishment for it. looking back on it, theyd probably like evaluate my mental state and realise i knew full well what i was doing anyway or smthing, but i was a chidl at the time i didnt htink about things like that. i never had any real reason to kill someone, i just kind of wanted to see what its like. to experience it. to have one more thing checked off the bucket list. a wee while aka couple years after my being 11/12yo i felt that same regret again. like a "11/12yo could totally get in little trouble for murder what the hell". so around like 14 maybe 15yo i again felt regret over not ever killing anyone. i dont mean to make it sound like id only feel this way once every couple years, just that once everycouple years id make note of an age that was a significant time ago that i could have killed someone at. like between being 11 and 15yo i still thougt about this, just around 14/15yo i specifically thought about how at 11/12yo id have been fine. so every few years id look back at the past and regret not killing anyone. now im 17yo, so im soon going to be a legal adult, and by now i reallyyyyyy think its too late for me to kill anyone without reason. i missed my chance. maybe ill look back at today in a few years time and regret not killing anyone while i was still technically a minor. i doubt ill ever kill anyone, maybe, but yea i just wanted to go off about htis dont forget to hit that like buttonand subscribe for more epic tales from the life on noctlas332 like this one peace out faded by alan walker plays

(22/10/2023)
younger people online
ive been meaning to put my thoughts about this down for a while now but i never have the time to, so i decided to just do it now nstead of doing my school work. i know there is a lot of worry about kids online; what they see there, who they are talking to, and what ideas it might plant into their minds. but i think something that a lot of older people might be missing out in the discussion is what kids are posting online. now ofc people do worry about that too, they worry kids are posting sensitive information or are going to get themselves blackmailed or are getting manipulated to send pics, and all sorts of other things, but i think there is another important part of posting online that has to be taken into consideration. social media and a need for amassing followers has really changed the digital space, but for younger kids it had always been this way. getting followers, clout, fame, and just popularity is a big part of what drives the online experience of kids. now this has always been the case, from kudos to likes, the higher the number the better right, but i think that more recently, especially on tiktok, this has changed dramatically, as its so easy to get popular on tiktok, that its almost too easy. recently, my best friend sent me a tiktok made by a 13yo girl who has 30 thousand followers. 3 with 4 zeros. over 2 thousand times her age. we are in the year 2023; if you multiplied the current year by her age youd still not have as high of a number as she has followers. the specific tiktok my friend sent me was one of her "venting" about how people were spreading lies about her, how they were stealing her videos, and about how they were calling her content staged and fake. the girl was saying that these kinds of thing were "nothing new", impliying it happens so much shes just used to it by now. and now ofc, having your screen recorded roblox gamplay reuploaded without credit is kind of a really meaningless thing to get upset over, but i can absolutely see how upsetting that would be to a 13yo child. the game clearly means a lot to her, and having what see shes as her hard work stolen would obviously be upsetting. and ok so this is what i think more focus needs to be put on. little kids, even younger than this girl, are getting thousands of followers on tiktok, and a child will in no way be able to cope with that kind of pressure. especially if this child is trans or queer or has an account for venting their frustrations or anything else that they wouldnt or cant share with any trsuted adults or older people in their life. previously, id say there wasnt much room online for a 11yo to gain tens of thousands of followers, but now there are countless such cases. little kids with absurd amounts of followers, and all the pressure and harrassement that comes with it. the people who are supposed to care and protect these kids might not even know their child has tens of thousands of followers, so wouldnt be able to help and support or advise the kid even if they wanted to. i am so so glad that even at 17yo i am not popular nor well-known online, it is honestly one of my biggest fears. so i cant imagine how difficult it is for these little kids. like, i just think its awful how little children can get so so popular on tiktok, because that is in no way healthy for them. once you hit like, 10 followers you start getting people leaving you shit-ass comments, so at 30 thousand that is absolutely also the case. people are always going to be rude assholes online and leave mean comments as a way to cope with their own issues, and will take their emotions out on randos online instead of working through things. and a lot of the people who will be getting awful comments and things will be little kids. theyre often cringe, or dont know a lot of things yet, or will say things they shouldnt have because they are 12yo and have never been told its bad. kids will absolutely do things they shouldnt, but they should be given an opportunity to learn and be taught about whatever they done in a safe way, instead of getting flamed online for not knowinf that the word their father uses to talk about immigrants is actaully really bad because that is a child !!!!!!! a baby !!!!!!!!!!!! "oh but i knew at 12 that-" shush !!!!! poeple need to be given space to unlearn things they have been brought up with thinking are facts. a child will always think they are so much more mature than tehy actually are so they will be stubborn and not want to admit fault, especially when they have tens of thousands of people watching them. breaking news this is just another "we need to see other people online as humans too" rant. but okok. children will 100 percent post things they regret. this has always been the case, just now its extremely easy for a litte kid to get countless followers overnight on top of that. little children will in no way be able to deal with that kind of fame, and more importantly the hate that comes with it. little children being "internet famous" is bad. if you have a younger child in your life please watch out to make sure that they are not getting popular or whatever because that is actually so so bad for a child. and if for some reason a child is reading this, im sorry but neither you, nor i, are mature enough to handle tens of thousands of followers, so please do not bend over backwards trying to get tiktok famous. it so easy and so damaging for a child to hve so many followers trust me.
another thing that i want to bring up though, also very important to keep in mind here, is how technology progessed to now. phones and things can handle videos and photos like never before. long gone are the days of text posts being the main form of internet anything, its all videos and photos now. particularily real life photos and videos. agin tiktok, but also instagram, are so so heavily focus on posting your face and being your real life you online. there are so many trends surrounding not only just photos of yourself but videos recorded with filters in the app (on tiktok i mean). you are encouraged to record your face and post it publically for everyone to see. tiktok claims it is for ages 13yo and up, which is still tiny tiny babies. masses of children filming their faces, using their real names as usernames, and posting themselves in their school uniforms, are now at a concerningly large chance of getting famous. im in a discord server with a 12yo whos display name is literally just his first and second name, and he keeps talking about his school and asked if we want to see his face and like no !! go away you are a child ! the server is dead apart fmo like 3 people, none of which are even mods, so he cant be removed not have his name changed. i only ever talk to him to tell him to stop sharing private information and that he should change his name but he just says its fine. and like obnviosult he does !! he is a child !!! he doesnt see the issue here !!!!! idk this might seem like such a weird thing to get hung up on; little kids getting too popular online, but so many of them are ! ive seen so many children claim that people telling them to get off of these apps is "ageism" too and like no !!!! we were all once this age too stop posting face reveals in #irl_photos you are 13yo !!!!!!!!! like, in the past there wasnt even the opportuniy to post pictures because theyd load for so long and be such shit quality and itd be such a mess and platforms would be text heavy anyway, even like fb and twt, but tt, which is where all the kids are now, is so so focused on pictures and videos of yourself !! hell ive seen people put their full name, school, and birthday on public accounts with their face in it and i die everytime. if you want people from school to recognise you you can make a private account maybe even !! hell i just hate it so much. its no longer "kaitosshoelicker873" on a piss random website with a pfp of a shitty mmd model, its 13yo "James Wang" with a pfp of his face and his school in his bio on a public account on an app with 1 billion users. im p sure instagram asks you for a display name so that "people you knwo recognise you" ? or smthing loike that ?? idk i could be making it up but there is absolutely jsut such a push to have you face and name online on these apps. especially with how they allow you to just take videos and photos right in the app. like these apps are full of kids, who will not have adiquate teahcing on the dangers of the internet actually ! a lot of older people just seem to assume that kids know so so much about being online that there is nothing to say, but thats actually so not true because there are ipads kids who have never seen an adblocker in their life. kids with online friends who are told everone online is evil will not believe that, so when they are told that posting their full names is a danger they wont believe in that either. you ahve no idea who noctlas332 is. you know nothing about me, but some of my classmates ? you could find everything from their grand parents names to the football team they play for online. children are so heavily encouraged by apps to post their faces, as it retains engagement, and to use thier names to again draw people they know in, but its really dangerous. ive seen countless times, videos "exposing" a literal child for "being a problematic content creator that is irresponsible with their platform". children are not meant ot have any kind of fame. i mentioned earlier like secret account, and i think those are also bad for this. like i doubt anyone would psot their face and name on their "secret" acc, but still, theyll post their deepest and worsest feelings. theyll use an account with tens of thousands of followers as a personal diary. omg wait i have to go do my hw and this is kind of getting really off topic, i really want to go off about how people use their accs onoine sometime though. tee dee el are ig ! little children can get literlly tens of thousands of followers online now and its a problem that i feel not enough people are tlaking about ok bye

(19/09/2023)
gore
eyeblech recently getting banned off of reddit has gotten me thinking about gore and gore videos and images. i got on reddit when i was 12yos i think ?? 12 at the latest. i seen of funny and cool videos on youtube on people reacting to different subs, and my fav youtuber at the time had his own sub, so i wanted to join. i joined all the meme ones and then started thinking about what other ones i often see on yt, like atbge (awful taste but great execution), a sub full of things that were skillfully made, but in strange taste. this lead me to joining other subs with the theme of things being "painful to look at": thanks i hate it, make me suffer, eyeblech, then eventually nsfl. i didnt think looking at gore was anything bad at all, i was a child it didnt even cross my mind. i was just curious and looking at it didnt bother me at all. all the people in the subs would talk about how it was just "morbid curiousity", "appreciating your own life by knowing yours could end like that", "a method of coping with grief", "learning more about whats going on in the world", and whatever else. the people who were against watching gore would say horrible things though, "only heartless monsters watch that kind of stuff", "its disrespecting the dead", "it makes you unempathetic and not care about others, and dehumanises them to you", "youre awful for watching it", "theres something wrong with you if you watch gore". and child me was like "what ?? i dont want to be disrespectful and bad,," and the gore people would say "hey, its ok !! we know youre just curious to see it like us, we are watching it respectfully, and id like to think you yourself know how its affecting you more than some randos do. so dw ! its fine to watch gore" and obviously child me, who didnt see naything wrong with it, just kept watching it, and for a long while too. the people on whos side i already was were so nice, and those who were trying to convince me to leave would just say "its horrible". it didnt seem like the peple who were against gore were trying to get others to stop watching it, but rather to find other people who dislike it and would agree with them. i think this greatly ties to what i was saying about arguing online sometime ago, there was no real effort to connect with the other side and to come to an understanding of them, so they can get a clear view of the other side of the discussion. so if anything, people screaming about how gore is just bad bad bad made the gore watchers more defensive, and made it harder for me to see a reason for stopping watching, and that just sucks. idk noctlas332 going off about how we need to see others as people in order to discuss things with them again !!!!

(26/08/2023)
arguing online
idk, i try to spend my time coding, drawing, making covers, animating, learning languages, sowing, painting, designing characters, writing comics, playing games i enjoy, viewing shows i like, reading manga that interests me, watching youtube videos on topics i want to know more about, researching and writing, decompiling and homebrewing, pirating and archiving, like there is so much to do, so much fun, i just cant take people who try to antagonise me or argue with me seriously ?? like we are on the world wide web, you came home from a job or working or school or whatever else youre busy with, or even if youre NOT busy with one of those htings, and you chose to spend your time arguing with a stranger on the internet for no reason ? like really ? i might not even be a real person for all you know, i could be a group of people pretending to be one person as a joke, i could be an advanced ai chat bot, or i could just be lying about who i am, i could be an 11yo on my mothers ipad, i could be an old conservative man, i could be a weeaboo who has "loli" body pillows and thinks sao is a great show. like you really dont know anything about me; if we knew eachother irl you might think that im not worth the time of day, but it kind of seems that online that doesnt cross peoples minds. genuinely why do you care if a teenager whos too scared to ask for ketchup at mcdonalds and spends all day on discord thinks youre dumb or whatever.
like obviously there are sometimes reasons to argue against someone, but i think the way people go about it isnt good. like, for example, one time i made a post talking about a transphobic classmate of mine, and how his behaviour made me feel and how hard it is knowing that what he said is how so many people think of me, and those like me. and all of the comments, apart from one asking me if i just "decided" to be trans as a child", were horrible. but i didnt argue with any of them, i didnt even respond, i just blocked each of those people. it was a small account, and the post didnt do well, so its not like id cultivated a group of transphobes or antyhing. i knew the person commenting "w classmate" was not about to listen to me as i tried to tell them why transphobia is bad, as i split my response into multiple short comments because the platform didnt allow for anything of length, id probably just be met with laughing emojis or smthing anyway. so i didnt respond to any of the comments, not even the person while not seemingly maliciously just ignorantly asking me if i "decided" to be trans as me nor any other trans person do not owe anyone explanations of any extent of our identites, however, if i could be bothered talking with them and i felt mentally up to it, i think id go about it like this:

1. i would for one not respond in comments, as as i mentioned they have an awful and awkward character limit, but also because its public then. there is pressure to almost "own" the other person, as mutuals or friends or followers or even strangers could see it. i feel like thinking from the other persons perspective it makes sense they would not come to a discussion in the comments of a post open mindedly, as they dont want to "loose". its embarassing to be wrong, and they wont want to admit it, even if youve convinced them. i think its important to see the people we disagree with as people still, so we can understand and connect with them. they arent just a bigot to "epicly dunk on", but a person could totally see the error in their ways if someone explained it to them without making fun of them or trying to belittle them. so id say that if i were to try to talk with any of these people, id dm them and ask if they wanted to talk, but id try to not sound condescending, as in dms that pressure of almost "performing" for the public eye goes away. i thnk itd be important to screen shot messages still though, incase the person deletes them and you feel like youll need them.
2. i would not try to "epicly own" someone even in dms. even if they ask a really rude or obvious or ignorant or dumb question. id try to think with understanding, but not to belittle them. like "oh why cant i ask trand people about their genitals ??" well because its fucking weird to ask anyone about them, unless youre like, their doctor or smthing, but id not say taht to the person, id try to show understanding that they are curious or confused or even jusr nosey and explain its invasive, and maybe suggest looking at medical information online instead of asking randos. like even if its a dumb questoin to me, id try to not make the other person feel dumb, as people naturally get defensive in a situation like that. and yea i understand, if i asked a question and someone told me its dumb and obvious i wouldnt like that, so i can totally see someone getting defensive and turning away from possibly actually understanding what the problems in their belief are because they were made to feel little and dumb and like they werent allowed to not know and like they should be affraid to get things wrong, so i really think understanding is important again. oh but what if you, you the reader of my site, dont want deal with that ? do not have the enegry to hold a bigots hand as they keep refusing to understand what youre saying, and that its not your job to ensure they understand, and that youve given them the information they need and its up to them now to put some work into learning too ? just dont start then. it does not matter how much you tell someone theyre wrong if they themself dont want to learn, if they dont want to learn because theyve been belittled and made to feel like not knowinf is bad. so i feel like you could possibly even make things worse if you try to harshly force someone to understand why theyre wrong. am i saying you should ignore all bigots because you cant be bothered to guide them every step of the way through unlearning their biased hate ? no, not at all, i just mean to say that if you do try to discuss things with poeple you disagree with, you should do so while keeping in mind the other person is opposed to being proven wrong, and to understand that trying to "own" them liekly wont help

remember you dont HAVE TO argue with people though. i know i dont; it gets exhausting and honestly just saddening to be reminded of things like that. its completely ok to just block and report someone you do not need to give them the time of day. you dont owe anyone arguments and debates and sources and studies just because youre queer, youre allowed to just identify as you do. take care of yourself first and foremost. idk i just wanted to talk about this cause "transphobe get epicaly owned !!!!1111!!11!! they accidently used singular "they" on twt !!11!!!!!1!1" doesnt do much for me; it doesnt change peoples minds, doesnt lower the amount of bigotry, it doesnt make the person who accidentally used singluar they suddenly become an ally, it just makes them feel embarassed and make them shy away from discussion in the future. i guess its nice, like that its validating to see that trans people are so valid that even transphobes accidentally say supportive things, but apart from making someone feel a little nice on a bad day it doesnt do much else. making someone feel a little better on a bad day is imoprtant yes, but not every "epic own" is going to become viral and be reposted to hell, theyll mostly end in nothing good i feel like. RAHHHHHH idk, i just dont really like the way some people argue online, ueh ueh

(23/08/2023)
i complerely agree with "thing / thing japan" memes. i think really any of japanese media who isnt from there will, even unwillingly, fetishize or deify or any number of thing, japan, especially when only the "kawaii animu" things are brought over, or people are just unwillingly to take notice of the issues japan has. they dont see it as a regular country. even non-weeaboos and shit do, like in this facebook post, or like when people say "oh japan is living in the year 3023 !!1!11!". thats not what i want to talk about though, i just wanted to say that there absolutely is a problem with how people see japan, and i think theres nothing wrong with making wojak memes making fun of this. however i wanted to look at this meme specifically i feel like for this one it almost makes sense, unless the person only behaves in this way to japan. cause i can completely understand someone liking the cyber-like aesthetic of neon cities, even if theyre full of ads, but only when theyre foreign. like, if its in a language someone cant understand then the advertising kind of just doesnt work on them right ? like, they get to enjoy the aesthetic of the neon signs without the advertisement part ? idk i feel like it makes sense to gush over neon billboards but only when theyre foreign. if someone is only like WOAA over japanese ones specifically then yea its the same as all the other "place / place japan" memes, but like other countries have them too, and they also feature in fictional languages in fictional works. tldr neon billboard pretty nice when the advertisement doesnt work on you

(22/08/2023)
i hate how man is seen as like "the default" yk ?
like, in languages more gendered than english you use masc terms for someone whos gender you dont know, when someone sees a little creature they say "the little guy" "the he" "look at the him", "dude" and "guy" are words people say are gender neutral but "dudette" and "gal" (although being kind of weird words) are seen as specifically feminine, jobs are "ceo" and "female ceo", a show having a woman lead is seen as somehting to point out, cartoon animals have just normal-looking animals as the male ones while the female ones always have to be hot pink and have eyelashes and lipstick and boobs even though theyre like birds or smthing and that makes no sense, toilet signs have the male ones be just a human figure but the female ones are a person with a skirt or dress on top (and dont "the male ones are wearing trousers" me no the fuck they are not, if the skirts or dresses are visable the trousers can be too), female player characters had to be added to games and werent there along side male ones by default, its seen as ok for men to have body hair which just grows naturally while women are expected to shave it, a person with a flat chest could be seen as either a man or a woman but a person with boobs is seen as a woman. its like men are just seen as "people", and women as "people PLUS something more", like theyre still seen as secondary people because thats just the only place for them to take after men are default/ first. i feel like this kind of ties into how we perceive our own genders as well. like if youve ever wondered yourself or seen someone wonder "am i a trans man or nonbinary", i feel like they could almost be the same since man is already seen as the default, like "no gender", like woman is "person plus gender" which is part of how theyre seen as secondary. i feel like its almost like "slightly masculine" is seen as androgynous because any addition of femininity is just so decisive and so "full of gender" because it opposes the default (which is man), so it like really stands out ?? like "masculine= default= no gender", so "feminine= very much gender". like ig the idea of what a woman is really strict and hard to reach because a woman isnt just seen as a person but rather person plus whatever. i feel like this probably impacts how amab and afab nonbinaru people are seen so differently too, even though were all just nonbinary. like someone who was "already male/ the default" could not possibly be nonbinary because they already werent gendered, and like someone who had gender added onto them because they were "female/ the second one" just doesnt want something other people assigned to them ? i feel like men see themselves as genderless almost, like they arent aware of it. i feel like it might be like how white people see themselves as raceless/ the default/ arent aware of our race, while poc are (i myself am white though so idk how good of a comparison this is, i just wanted to get across the fact that men can very much still be men/ identify as such, while not seeing themselves with gender). idk where i was going with this but i wanted to just go off a bit ig lol. i have to say though, i say this as a person with no real life experience and who is very much from the west so this is very specific to jsut my epxerences and thougsths